为什么被放鸽子以后会不爽?

狼宝宝,心理学的学徒;社会心理学项目博士生

让狼宝宝来好好说说这个心理学问题。

“被鸽”在心理学上叫做社会排斥(social rejection),还有很多学者会用 social exclusion, ostracism 来交替使用。

不过,我们得先来聊聊“归属感”。

心理学家哈洛做过一个非常经典的恒河猴研究(在知乎上能搜到很多关于这个研究的介绍),真正让猴子感到温暖的并不是仅仅提供奶水的铁丝妈妈,而是小猴子可以拥抱接触的绒布妈妈。随之就诞生了著名的依恋理论。

除了依恋理论,哲学家以及早期的心理学家都对“归属感”有着精辟的论述,比如:

No man is an island. – John Donne

没有人是一座孤岛 – 约翰·多恩

再如:

人本主义心理学代表人物马斯洛提出的需求层次理论,

当人们满足了生存需求之后,就会向更高的需求去进发,也就是归属感的需求,根据马斯洛的理论,我们需要归属与爱,需要尊重。

把上述这些观点整合起来,一篇重量级的心理学论述横空出世——

(截止写稿,该文已经被引用了 18420 次。)

这篇理论文章系统性地总结了前人的观点与研究,提出了人际依恋,归属需求是人们的一项基本需求。

此文一出,仿佛为还在暗夜里探索的心理学家点燃了一盏明灯。至此,无数研究纷至沓来,其中就包括了被鸽——社会排斥这件事情。

研究者在进行社会排斥方面的研究时,经常采用的一个方法就是回忆范式。

就像其他答主一样,研究者要求被试者写下一段自己“被鸽”的经历(操纵自变量),然后来看看有哪些心理指标产生变化(观察因变量)。

比较典型的指标:

“心痛”,又称社会性疼痛。研究者采用 fMIR 技术扫描被试者的大脑发现,当我们经历了社会排斥事件后,大脑负责加工疼痛的区域被激活了。这种感受和物理性疼痛几乎一样,就好像有人锤我的胸口一样疼痛。

负性情绪,这个自然不必多言,被鸽了之后当然不开心——除非你本来就不想见那个鸽你的人,大概这种感觉是如释重负吧!

需求威胁(need threat),在上面我们讲到人际归属感是一种重要的需求。除此之外,研究者还提出了另外三个会被社会排斥所破坏的需求,自尊(self-esteem),控制感(control)和存在感(meaningful existence)。研究者采用 need threat scale 测量被试者发现,在经历了社会排斥事件之后,这四种主要的社会性需求都会明显降低。比如你认为自己无能为力,毫无存在感,甚至怀疑自己是不是不够好才遭到排斥。

除了这些认知、情绪、动机层面的指标,研究者还发现,受到社会排斥之后,我们更加易怒,表现出更强的攻击性。

稍微引申一点,想想下面两个情境,哪个更加让你不爽:

1 你得知自己被鸽了;

2 你得知自己被鸽了,且鸽你的人和别人出去约会了。

大多数人会觉得第二个情境让我们更加不爽——鸽我也就算了,还和别人勾搭!

这相当于是双重暴击。

综上所述,被鸽之后的不爽感来自于负性情绪的体验以及社会性需求的缺失!

参考文献

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation.Psychological bulletin,117(3), 497.

Deri, S., & Zitek, E. M. (2017). Did You Reject Me for Someone Else? Rejections That Are Comparative Feel Worse.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,43(12), 1675-1685.

Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion.Science,302(5643), 290-292.

Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A temporal need‐threat model.Advances in experimental social psychology,41, 275-314.

发帖时间: news

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