说「孩子都是父母的折射」是否夸大了原生家庭对一个人的影响?

Cecilia,前科研从业者/积极教养/正面管教注册讲师/家有两娃

原生家庭对一个人的影响是巨大的,但将自己所遭遇的不幸统统归咎于原生家庭,又走向了另一个极端。

刚生下小萌时,我很奇怪为什么先生会对孩子的「哭」反应过度。

每次孩子一哭,他第一反应就是暴喝一声:「不许哭!」即使我一再跟他沟通,哭是孩子的本能和表达诉求的方式,他每次都表示认可和接受;但每当孩子一哭,他下意识地还是那句话:「不许哭!」

直到我们将小萌带回公公婆婆家,小萌一哭,他爷爷立刻非常急躁地吼道:「别哭!你哭什么!」以非常不耐烦的口吻,比我先生的反应还要剧烈。

孩子原生家庭,会对他造成了深刻的影响,甚至在未来的婚姻生活中,大到价值观,小到生活细节,也都折射出爸妈的影子[1]

我都真切地感到,自己被公公婆婆的生活方式和价值观所折射的先生所影响着。有时候我会跟先生开玩笑,说他像他妈,这时候他又会有些生气,说我像我妈。

他说的也没错。

比如我妈喜欢「推事」,但凡需要付出精力的事她都脚底抹油,这个不会、那个太难、这个不学、那个不做,最后事情都留给我爸;而我也经常会把家务事推给我先生,这个锅底我洗不干净、那个晒衣服我不能徒手够到、这个搬东西我不行、那个买菜我不顺路。

比如我爸一直坚信「经济独立,才有人格独立」,所以我一直非常认真地对待工作,以至于我先生有时候跟我开玩笑地抱怨道:「我要是你老板,肯定也特别喜欢你;可惜我是你老公,你经常把我放在工作的优先级之后。」

我对工作的态度,像极了我爸。

难道,我就要对这些原生家庭的折射的影响视而不见吗?《亲密关系》一书中曾经有过这样一段话[2]

在所谓的恋爱秘籍中总会出现这样一条:「不要试图去改变对方!」这句话有点合情,但一点也不合理。如果现有的关系你并不满意(这种情况几乎是全部的),你要做的只有:1. 降低自己的标准 2. 换个关系 3. 用彼此都能接受的方式改变自己也改变对方,使双方达到或超出彼此的要求。

实际上,原生家庭对我们的影响可能会分为两个极端。

一个极端,是重复上一辈的观念和问题。

比如,那些从小遭遇家暴的人,可能也会成为施暴者,对妻子和孩子大打出手——这一现象被称为家暴中目睹儿童的代际传递[3]

比如有的人会说,我从小就是被父母打大的,现在不没怎么留下心理阴影?所以,打孩子也是一种管教方式,我的孩子如果出现问题,我也会打他。

另一个极端,则是尽量避免上一辈的观念和问题。

比如,那些遭遇过家暴的人,可能成为完全不对孩子动手,甚至走向娇惯和宠溺。

比如那些小时候对父母极端限制物质生活的人,可能愿意花费大量的金钱在子女身上,以弥补自己童年时的物质匮乏。

我不想去谈「原生家庭到底怎样影响了现在的我们」,而是想探讨「我们如何做,才能超越原生家庭对自己的影响」。

这种超越,既不是复制原生家庭的模式,也不是走向另一个阶段的模式,而是让童年的错不再延续。

原生家庭对一个人的影响绝非「唯一的、决定性」的。

如果说孩子在三岁以前仅仅处于家庭环境中,那么家庭对他的影响,必然是巨大的。但是随着孩子进入学校,开启自己的社交之旅,他会逐渐认识更多新的朋友,老师,同伴,长辈——这些人和家长一起,共同影响着孩子的成长。

古有孟母三迁,正是承认非家庭以外的因素也可能对孩子的人生产生重大的影响。

在《亲密关系·通向灵魂的桥梁》一书中,作者 Christopher Moon 曾写道[4]

在进入一段新的亲密关系时,我们会把过去的旧痛旧伤也一并带去,小时候我们会把没治愈的创伤埋在心底,以免感到痛苦。但这些令人心碎的痛苦,如果不好好的面对和处理可能对我们未来的生活造成影响。例如关于痛苦的经验,常常会让我们产生对自己和世界的一些限制性信念。

比如,在我初一那年,我爸爸曾经非常认真严肃地端详了我的脸以后说道:

「这辈子你想要做个美女是不可能了,努努力做个才女还行。」

直到今天,我依然记得这句话。

从那时开始,他将「你长得不好看」这一种子埋在我的心底,之后我遭遇的类似经验则让这颗种子茁壮成长。比如,每当有男生说我漂亮的时候,我都会下意识的认为他们只是在虚假地奉承我,背后一定潜藏着什么不可告人的秘密;比如当别人盯着我看时,我会认为自己的脸上或者身上一定是什么污渍——在很长一段时间里,我对自己的容貌都非常不自信,甚至到了自卑的地步。

直到我进入了一段于我而言非常重要的亲密关系后,我才有机会重新面对并治好旧伤,并改变了自己一直以来的想法。

我们有可能摆脱原生家庭的影响,成为想成为的人。

最近我在读《超越原生家庭的养育》,作者塞西尔·大卫也认为我们可以打破复制的恶性循环[5]。在养育孩子的过程中,他意识到自己根本无法回避童年经历和直觉,对养育的影响。只有将自己从童年的经历中抽离出来,保持距离,才有可能成为一个更好的家长。

在历时 15 年的反思和实践中,她写出了这本书。

想要摆脱原生家庭的影响,第一步就是「透析」我们的童年。

我们可以向伴侣、亲密的朋友或者心理医生,诉说自己童年的经历。

先回忆童年中积极的部分,比如父母如何让我们接触到知识,以及帮助我们抵御那些无理的攻击;然后是回忆消极的部分,包括直接的虐待,伪装的虐待,甚至来自「朋友般的父母」的伤害等。这时,我们可以假装自己是当时的父母,去理解他们,以及抚慰当时受伤的自己。

当我们行为出现问题时,不仅仅是去改变,像那本书,而是要对行为背后的原因进行讨论,才能看清自己的潜意识,进而改变我们的行为模式。心理学上著名的 ABC 疗法,有异曲同工之处。

正视原生家庭对我们的影响,是超越这种影响的第一步。

我和先生在这个问题上沟通多次,也有过很多坎坷,但现在我们常常能站在一种相对超脱的角度去看待原生家庭对于我们自己、对于我们的小家庭、对于我们养育方式的影响。

我很庆幸的是,现在小萌哭的时候,即使先生依然听不惯这样的哭声,但他不会再吼着让小萌「不许哭」,而是告诉我:「你快来接手,我快烦死了」;甚至在他心情好的时候,还会蹲下来跟小萌说:「爸爸知道你难过,但是哭解决不了问题,你要想让我们知道你要什么,就得清楚地说出来。」

我更庆幸的是,现在我和他之间的关系已经不再是「发生问题后,假装什么都没发生,继续过日子」的状态,而是能不断地沟通一些价值观层面的不同,然后求同存异,尽力找到解决方案。

我相信孩子会被我们所折射,我也同样希望他能有自己的思考,更积极地生活。

孩子会模仿父母的行为,也很容易认为父母所做的就是对的。我的做法是允许他对我们的行为提出自己的观点。

有一次我很生气,对小萌说:「看毛啊。」

小萌立刻委屈地跟我说:「妈妈我现在很难过,因为你刚刚用了一个不太好的字。」

这让我立刻意识到自己言语不妥,随后我也意识到我的父母有时候也会在愤懑时带几句不太好听的话——后来,我就会变得比较注意在小朋友面前的用词。

如果我能尊重孩子对我的评判,就能有可能让他摆脱我对他的消极影响。

我们要警惕的,应该是那种无限放大,将所有错都归咎于「原生家庭」的观念——这种观念否认了人的主观能动性,否认了人是会变的,更否认了关于幸福的可能性。

发帖时间: news

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